Why I bury my feelings? By: CJ A.

People always asked me, “have you been in love”?. I said no. But deep inside, yes certainly I did..

Every now and then, I always hide my feelings for someone else because my feelings seems wishy-washy and unpredictable. I am afraid that once I started to fall, no one will catch me.

To give you a background how it started. Well, here we go.

I started falling in love when I was in college, wherein I’ve met different guys with different personalities. At first, I don’t care about them because I told myself that I should finish my studies first before falling in love coz I might end up with the wrong relationship.

But then, there was a guy who caught my attention, he was one of the student in our universities and it so happened that we have the same organization, and a friend of mine too. Most of our time, we spent it in the library. Just like anybody else we shared our thoughts, ideas, jokes, knowledge and stories of our everyday lives. Whenever I have a problem he is always there to listen and a friend whom I can rely on, in other words someone who I can lean on. Until one day, surprisingly he confessed his feelings to me…he is falling in love with me that quickly, so do I secretly…

I don’t know what happened next…it is just…whenever, we bump to each other I feel awkward and I don’t know what to do because I never thought that he will fall in love to me in the wrong time.

I knew the world is against us so I chose to hide my feelings for him. I pretend that I didn’t heard anything from him. Yes, I refused to feel anything at all because at that moment I am battling with my depression and I can’t confess my feelings in a certain way he did to me.

As days pass by, I have to continue ignoring him because that’s the only thing I can do for him and to both of us. I knew, that we still both studying and I don’t want to sacrifice our studies just to follow our feelings and our hearts. He is a good person and I knew that someday he will be a successful person he ever dreamt of. I don’t want to be a burden to him and I don’t want him to focus on me, nor do I. Choosing between my heart and my goals is the hardest thing to do on that time. Maybe, we met at the right love at the wrong time and yet might not meant for each other.

Well, to cut the long story short, we didn’t bump to each other since then. On that day as well, I made an agreement to my self that whenever I started to fall in love to someone else I have to bury my feelings….and pretend that I don’t feel anything…

Years has been passed..

When I entered in a corporate world, I thought it is a different thing, and my wrong perceptions about guys will be change. I convinced myself that since I am grown enough I can handle things on my own so I decided to open up my heart to anybody. I’ve encountered a lot of boys who seems interested in me but still…. it didn’t convinced me.

However, this guy, a mutual friend finds me a good companion. He shares a lot of things about his self and stories of his failed long term relationship. We had been friends for a long time and had a chance to know about ourselves…He seems comfortable sharing his insights about relationships etc. But then I feel awkward everytime he is trying to say something about “relationship”…it seems that he is trying to get my heart? And yet it didn’t convinced me at all. Because I knew that he just want someone who can fix his heart…and not because of his good intentions.

Honestly, I am not interested in him coz I knew that he is still not moving on…8 years of long term relationship is not an easy thing to let go of…I don’t know why I always end up in a “rebound thing”. Do I look like an easy get person? or it is just that I never had a boyfriend…

I’ve experienced a lot of pains, heartaches for the following years.. I experienced to be an option with the guy whom I’ve met in the office. A guy who thought that I’m an easy to get person, a guy who broke my inner heart…a guy who makes me feel that I am worthless and an option…

Year 2016 is my first heartbreak…. (I will not forget this. He is not my boyfriend actually) a heartbreak that made me insecure to everything…and to a lot of things,,, It is not because I like him…no I don’t. It is just that because of what he done to me it made me feel that I am not good enough for anybody…he actually drag me down and gotten myself utterly lost. During that time I exhaust myself to depletion. I sob and think and sob and hoping that the pain will go away.. Asking myself the questions “Am I deserved to experienced all of this? For all the people why I am the chosen one? Those questions remain unanswered until now.

In every seconds, minutes, days and years of my  life I experienced the same thing.. I don’t know if I am meant to cure someone’s else heartaches or maybe it is part of the huge obstacles that I need to overcome so that when the time comes that I am ready to enter into a relationship it is not that hard for me to deal with it..

I am hoping someday, if the right one comes I would not experience the same heartaches and immense pain that had happened to me.

I know GOD will provide the one for me, not now but on his perfect timing.

 

*Any violent reactions/comments are welcome 🙂 I would love to hear it.

Please excuse my grammar.

 

Feeling empty inside.

Do you feel what I feel?

Are you emotionally tired? feeling lost and empty?

Well, If you would ask me how I feel right now? Well just simple.

I am tired, lost, and empty inside.

I’ve asked myself “What’s lacking in me? Why I can’t fill the hole inside my heart? I am happy with my family and friends, but why I am still empty inside? There is a space in my heart that every time I tried to look for it I can’t find anything, just a hole..

I thought having a good job, loving family and friends I will not feel empty or saddened. But why I am feeling empty and tired? I don’t know exactly when it was started, I just woke up one day feeling empty and emotionally tired. I feel nothingness just a pain inside my heart. I can’t explain why the pain exists? I want to escape with this feelings but I don’t know how.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I am nowhere to find. I ask and ask myself what’s lacking in me? Why I feel worthless, ugly and dumb? Why every time I tried to reach the ladder I stumbled and fall? Why I have this feelings of complete emptiness? What’s wrong with me?

I feel hopeless…

I am tired of myself.

I am tired of being nice to others.

I am tired of being forgiving to others.
I am tired of holding pain.

I am tired of dreaming of a life I will never have.

I am tired of this feelings.

I wish I could be someone else. I wish I am just like others.

I want to escape the world. I want to try something that I am not.

Am I ready to give my heart? (Part1)

 

Are you willing to take the risk of giving  your heart to someone else?

True Love? I myself don’t know what is the meaning of true love. For my 26th years of existence here on earth I can’t still define “True Love”. YES I did love GOD, my family, friends, but the main question is “How about loving a man?..hmmm – I dunno the answer yet, because that’s also my question to myself.

I’m already 26 years old and has NEVER had a boyfriend since birth. Yes I am a certified one! And the hardest questions I’ve encountered all the time is the  most favorite one “Do you have a boyfriend”? – NO, I haven’t  a boyfriend yet. but “WHY? – sigh.

These questions remain rhetorical if you ask me, because quite frankly they are very difficult to answer.

Well, to answer these questions, I have outlined  the possible reasons why I can’t define LOVE for a man and why I am still single.

1. My wrong perception about men. 

Because I believed that men are born to be polygamous”. I have said this because if you look at history, in early states, popes and emperors had hundreds of concubines and because of that many men acquired the wrong beliefs that if they own lots of women   it makes them stronger and look macho on the eyes of many people.

Contrary to this beliefs  – a stronger man for me is a faithful one, GOD fearing and has the guts to protect his partner regardless of the hardships and difficulties he may encounter in life. Most importantly, a true man has the value of honor and respect to his one and only woman.

2. I am afraid of getting hurt.

Yes! that’s true. I am afraid of getting hurt by a man. I know for a fact that entering into a relationship is not an easy task, because temptations always follows. Also, you should  face the reality that in a relationship you have to take the risk of loving him regardless of his being unfaithful and unworthy.

3. I might one of his rebound.

Admit it or not, we all know that some of the men has this “Rebound thing” in their failed long/short-term relationship. I might just end up a Band-Aid of his unresolved pain and rejections because maybe I am too nice to him and he thought that I can be his companion just only for a moment and that’s it!! NO feeling of love at all.

And maybe I am just an option and not a choice! And he really don’t care for my feelings at all. What he really want is a person to rely on and a person who can stand on his side for the meantime because of his unwanted feelings of being a single again. In short, you’re just a replacement only.

And he might also take advantage on me because he knows for a fact that I never had a boyfriend and ofcourse he will grab the opportunity to be with me temporarily.

3. I am being haunted of my “What IFs”.

What if he may lose interest in me because I am not the perfect girl he thinks of?

What if he compares me from his past relationship? How can I handle?

What if he is not interested in me, he only wants to hurt my feelings?

What if I’m just only an option and not a choice?

What if he is cheating on me?

What if I am not worthy to love?

What if he become unfaithful and dishonest to me? How far I’ll go to fight for my love and save our relationship?

What if I give all the love to him, my faithfulness, my all in all, my perseverance to work out and save our relationship, thus, end up in getting hurt? How can I handle those pain and heartaches?

And YES those” ifs” still hunting my minds.

If you are wondering, if I did fall in love – Yes I am. Maybe there’s something in me that blocking my feelings to someone else. Some says, maybe you’re too picky? – No, I am not,  But then “WHY”?.

Do you really want to know?

Aside from my what Ifs. It’s just simple.

– It is because I have a low self-esteem.

– I don’t have the confidence to take the risk in entering into a relationship.

– Because I am not pretty enough for anybody to choose me and stay.

– I am not worthy to love?

– I don’t have that confidence on myself.

– I feel that I am only an option and not a choice.

– I can’t express my feelings.

– I have a lot of insecurities within me.

– I have imperfections.

– I am afraid to fall in love, might end up getting hurt…

And…

I feel that there is an empty space within me and I don’t know how to fill in.

These beliefs is stuck with me that I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore.

I HOPE one DAY I can escape with these feelings of emptiness…

And to answer the question ” Am I ready to give my Heart?

– No I’m not ready yet.

 

 

 

 

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P.S. This only my own opinion and It is not my intention to give out negative impressions to other people.