Why I bury my feelings? By: CJ A.

People always asked me, “have you been in love”?. I said no. But deep inside, yes certainly I did..

Every now and then, I always hide my feelings for someone else because my feelings seems wishy-washy and unpredictable. I am afraid that once I started to fall, no one will catch me.

To give you a background how it started. Well, here we go.

I started falling in love when I was in college, wherein I’ve met different guys with different personalities. At first, I don’t care about them because I told myself that I should finish my studies first before falling in love coz I might end up with the wrong relationship.

But then, there was a guy who caught my attention, he was one of the student in our universities and it so happened that we have the same organization, and a friend of mine too. Most of our time, we spent it in the library. Just like anybody else we shared our thoughts, ideas, jokes, knowledge and stories of our everyday lives. Whenever I have a problem he is always there to listen and a friend whom I can rely on, in other words someone who I can lean on. Until one day, surprisingly he confessed his feelings to me…he is falling in love with me that quickly, so do I secretly…

I don’t know what happened next…it is just…whenever, we bump to each other I feel awkward and I don’t know what to do because I never thought that he will fall in love to me in the wrong time.

I knew the world is against us so I chose to hide my feelings for him. I pretend that I didn’t heard anything from him. Yes, I refused to feel anything at all because at that moment I am battling with my depression and I can’t confess my feelings in a certain way he did to me.

As days pass by, I have to continue ignoring him because that’s the only thing I can do for him and to both of us. I knew, that we still both studying and I don’t want to sacrifice our studies just to follow our feelings and our hearts. He is a good person and I knew that someday he will be a successful person he ever dreamt of. I don’t want to be a burden to him and I don’t want him to focus on me, nor do I. Choosing between my heart and my goals is the hardest thing to do on that time. Maybe, we met at the right love at the wrong time and yet might not meant for each other.

Well, to cut the long story short, we didn’t bump to each other since then. On that day as well, I made an agreement to my self that whenever I started to fall in love to someone else I have to bury my feelings….and pretend that I don’t feel anything…

Years has been passed..

When I entered in a corporate world, I thought it is a different thing, and my wrong perceptions about guys will be change. I convinced myself that since I am grown enough I can handle things on my own so I decided to open up my heart to anybody. I’ve encountered a lot of boys who seems interested in me but still…. it didn’t convinced me.

However, this guy, a mutual friend finds me a good companion. He shares a lot of things about his self and stories of his failed long term relationship. We had been friends for a long time and had a chance to know about ourselves…He seems comfortable sharing his insights about relationships etc. But then I feel awkward everytime he is trying to say something about “relationship”…it seems that he is trying to get my heart? And yet it didn’t convinced me at all. Because I knew that he just want someone who can fix his heart…and not because of his good intentions.

Honestly, I am not interested in him coz I knew that he is still not moving on…8 years of long term relationship is not an easy thing to let go of…I don’t know why I always end up in a “rebound thing”. Do I look like an easy get person? or it is just that I never had a boyfriend…

I’ve experienced a lot of pains, heartaches for the following years.. I experienced to be an option with the guy whom I’ve met in the office. A guy who thought that I’m an easy to get person, a guy who broke my inner heart…a guy who makes me feel that I am worthless and an option…

Year 2016 is my first heartbreak…. (I will not forget this. He is not my boyfriend actually) a heartbreak that made me insecure to everything…and to a lot of things,,, It is not because I like him…no I don’t. It is just that because of what he done to me it made me feel that I am not good enough for anybody…he actually drag me down and gotten myself utterly lost. During that time I exhaust myself to depletion. I sob and think and sob and hoping that the pain will go away.. Asking myself the questions “Am I deserved to experienced all of this? For all the people why I am the chosen one? Those questions remain unanswered until now.

In every seconds, minutes, days and years of my  life I experienced the same thing.. I don’t know if I am meant to cure someone’s else heartaches or maybe it is part of the huge obstacles that I need to overcome so that when the time comes that I am ready to enter into a relationship it is not that hard for me to deal with it..

I am hoping someday, if the right one comes I would not experience the same heartaches and immense pain that had happened to me.

I know GOD will provide the one for me, not now but on his perfect timing.

 

*Any violent reactions/comments are welcome 🙂 I would love to hear it.
Please excuse my grammar.

 

2 thoughts on “Why I bury my feelings? By: CJ A.

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